Surf these sites: ''I''m Dead, Jim'' -- Star Trek''s Leonard McCoy was just a simple country doctor who, thanks to the marvels of 23rd century medicine, could dispense with barbarities like the surgeon''s scalpel and instantly heal the horrific injuries inflicted upon crewmembers of the Starship Enterprise by Klingons and other malevolent life forms. Alas, the actor who portrayed him, DeForest Kelley, was merely a 20th century man whose allotted span in this mortal coil ran out on Friday. Kelley, whose character represented our basic humanity, is being mourned today by Trekkies the world over. Even Mr. Spock must be inwardly grieving. [Wired News] ''Jenny Jones'' Must Pay -- A Michigan jury has decided that the producers of the Jenny Jones talk show must pay US$25 million to the family of a gay man murdered following a guest appearance on an episode dealing with secret admirers. The jury found the producers liable for the 1995 death of Scott Amedure, who revealed on TV that he had a crush on a friend, Jonathan Schmitz. Schmitz, who appeared on the show with Amedure under the impression that his secret admirer was a woman, shot Amedure to death three days later. The defendants argued that, while they may have given Schmitz the impression that his admirer was female, they could not have anticipated his violent reaction to the surprise. [Wired News] ''Out'' for a Walk -- Prince Charles'' popularity is soaring again in Old Blighty, so the future king of England decided to test it by taking "The Rottweiler" out for a very public walk. That would be longtime mistress, Camilla Parker Bowles, who was given that unflattering sobriquet by the late Princess Diana. That Charles and Camilla are an item is hardly news to the British public, but they''ve been very discreet since Diana''s death 16 months ago. The wraps came off Thursday night, when the couple staged a very public exit from London''s Ritz Hotel, where they attended a birthday party for Camilla''s sister. The press jackals were out in full force, and Charles and Camilla stopped, smiled, and waved to the flashbulbs before stepping into their carriage, a black limousine, and disappearing into the London night. [Wired News] ''Poppa'' Popped -- "Big Poppa" will pay his debt to society. The pro wrestler was sentenced to five weekends in the county clink for trying to mow down a Georgia highway worker last year. Seems that "Big Poppa" (or Scott Rechsteiner to the state of Georgia) took umbrage after the worker, Paul Kaspereen, told him that a freeway exit was closed. Rechsteiner hit Kaspereen twice with his truck before speeding away. He only winged him, and Kaspereen managed to get the license number as "Big Poppa" took off. The law arrested him at home. [Wired News] ''Smile, You''re Busted'' -- It''s bad enough when the cops come crashing into your apartment at 3 a.m., armed with a search warrant and looking for drugs. But do they have the right to bring the bright lights of the media along? The Supreme Court will consider the constitutionality of this when it rules on two cases, one from Maryland and the other from Montana. In the Maryland case, sheriff''s deputies entered a home with a Washington Post photographer in tow, who got some nice shots (never published) of the suspect''s father in his underwear. In Montana, CNN was invited to accompany police searching for evidence of eagle poisoning. With the cameras rolling, they burst in on 71-year-old Paul Berger, who was suffering from high blood pressure and recovering from pneumonia. Berger''s attorney was not amused when he subsequently discovered that a Fish and Wildlife agent was equipped with a hidden microphone to help CNN get an audio feed. The court must decide whether the Fourth Amendment has been trashed in these cases. [Wired News] ''World'' Ending -- Another World, perhaps the most venerable of television soap operas, goes off the air Friday after a 35-year run, the victim of changing demographics that bode ill for the entire industry. The soaps, which have seen their ratings fall steadily for a decade now, are finding it difficult to sustain viewers as more women go to work and the likes of Jerry Springer vomit publicly and gobble up audience share. Another World''s producers are promising a boffo finale. Might as well go down with your guns blazing. [Wired News] 23 Bids Adieu -- Michael Jordan, maybe the greatest basketball player of all time but a first-rate pitchman in any case, made his retirement from the NBA official at a press conference Wednesday in Chicago. Jordan, who leaves the NBA after playing 13 seasons and leading the Bulls to six titles, thanked Chicagoans, adding (oddly) that he was glad he could help erase the "gangster image" associated with the Toddlin'' Town. He also thanked NBA commissioner David Stern and Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf who, until last week, were on the other side of the acrimonious NBA labor quagmire. What''s next for Mike? Well, not baseball. He promised he wouldn''t try that again. [Wired News] 9 Die in Jet Crash -- As many as nine people are dead and another 80 injured after an American Airlines jet skidded off a rain-slickened runway at the airport in Little Rock, Arkansas late Tuesday and broke apart. Flight 1420 from Dallas-Fort Worth was attempting to land in bad weather when the accident occurred, FAA officials said. Winds of up to 87 mph were pounding the Little Rock area, and hail and lightning also hampered the pilot of the MD-80 aircraft. The flight carried 139 passengers and six crew. While FAA investigators won''t say the crash landing was caused by the weather, there was no distress call from the pilot before the landing. The deaths were the first involving a US carrier in two years. [Wired News] A Bee Siege -- A truck carrying millions of bees overturned, releasing a black cloud of angry bees that closed a highway in Maine for eight hours. Firefighters were helpless to deal with the situation until professional beekeepers gave them some good advice: Spraying the hives with water calmed the bees so crews could load them onto another truck. One officer explained the bees were fooled into thinking the weather had changed and stayed in their hives to wait out the rain. [Wired News] A Goofy Idea? -- In the astronomical equivalent of getting impeached, scientists are considering stripping Pluto of its planetary status, arguing that it''s too small and has a weird elliptical orbit. Poobahs from the International Astronomical Union are weighing that possibility, along with a suggestion to reclassify Pluto, which is smaller than Earth''s moon, as a "minor" planet. Pluto was spotted in 1930, and many astronomers argue that if the discovery occurred today, there''s no way it would be classified with the other so-called Big Eight. In space, it seems, size matters. [Wired News] A New Homeland -- With the thermometer locked up at 45 below zero, it might not seem like much of a prize. But to the Inuit, or Eskimos, this land in the Northwest region of Canada is a place they have always called home. And now they can finally point to themselves on a map. At midnight, as Thursday became Friday, a new territory was born in Canada: Nunavut. Roughly the size of Western Europe, the land used to be part of Canada''s Northwest Territories. The creation of the new territory represents a gesture by the Canadian government to balance the books with its native population. Nunavut has an Inuit majority and will be nominally ruled by a native government, although Ottawa still calls the shots on the big things. While some Canadians have opposed Nunavit, arguing that the only thing it creates is a spirit of racial tribalism, the territory''s new governors insist that they intend to represent all residents equally. [Wired News] A Piece of Elvis -- Hey, Elvis impersonators.... Why wear a cheap knockoff of one of The King''s sequined jumpsuits when you can own the real McCoy? That''s right, you can own an actual jumpsuit that once encased the corpulent frame of the Tupelo Torpedo himself, or any of nearly 2,000 other personal Pelvis possessions. Icollector.com has cut a deal with Elvis Presley Enterprises to auction off all kinds of items once owned by Mr. Blue Hawaii, from his address book to his Social Security card to a 1971 Cadillac from his car collection. The online auction will take place over three days in October, although a catalog will be available beforehand and bids can be submitted by email. You all shook up? [Wired News] A Royal Licking -- The Mirror of London says new British stamps featuring Prince Edward and his bride-to-be are sucky. Or, to be precise, the tabloid says two cheek-to-cheek portraits of the couple, looking self-satisfied in matching polo shirts were "the cheesiest of royal pictures yet taken." That''s saying something. The Mirror had one word for the new stamps in its front-page headline: "Yuk." Edward and Sophie Rhys-Jones are to be married in June. [Wired News] A Two-Star Sport -- Baseball season opens today (OK, it actually began Sunday night with the Padres losing to the Rockies in Monterrey, Mexico), but it''s worth noting that the Anaheim Angels concluded their exhibition slate with a game against Cal State Fullerton. At shortstop for the Titans, Kevin Costner, a Fullerton alum, who has made two baseball movies (Field of Dreams and Bull Durham) and is just completing a third (For the Love of the Game). Although Costner went hitless in three at-bats and dropped a pop fly that cost the Titans the ballgame, he impressed the big leaguers, making a fine backhand play at short. He also pitched two-thirds of an inning, striking out rookie Jeb Daugherty and retiring Angels manager Terry Collins on a grounder. The guy you really have to feel bad for is Daugherty. Struck out by a 44-year-old actor? See ya, kid. [Wired News] A Votre Santé -- There''s new evidence that a glass of wine with dinner may be good for your health. A study of 36,000 middle-aged Frenchmen found that moderate wine drinkers had roughly half as many fatal heart attacks as teetotalers. Previous studies have shown that up to three glasses of wine daily can lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels. The latest research also showed that wine drinkers were less likely to suffer fatal diseases such as cancer or, for that matter, violent death. While any alcohol consumption increases the chance of cancer, wine contains cancer-fighting compounds such as resvaratrol, that appear to offset the risk among moderate drinkers. The study showed that excessive drinking doubled the risk of cancer. [Wired News] Acquitted -- In the end, it wasn''t even close. The US Senate voted Friday to acquit President Clinton on both impeachment articles, meaning he will serve out the balance of his term. On the article of perjury, senators voted 54-45-1 for acquittal, with eight Republicans joining a solid Democratic bloc for the president. By voting "not proven" on perjury, Republican Arlen Specter forfeited his vote, but made his point. For obstruction, the Senate split 50-50, with five Republicans -- including Specter -- crossing over to vote not guilty. In both cases, a two-thirds majority (67 votes) was needed for conviction. [Wired News] Aiming at Guns -- Can gunmakers be held liable for gun violence? A federal jury in New York begins deliberating the question Thursday, and the decision could have lasting repercussions for one of America''s hot-button issues, gun control. Gunmakers argue that their product is legal, that they can''t stop illegal firearms from entering the country, and that they can''t control criminals. Plaintiffs -- including several families who have lost relatives to gun-related deaths -- counter that manufacturers knowingly sell their guns in markets with lax laws, guns which later turn up on the black market. Several American cities -- Chicago, New Orleans, Miami, and Bridgeport, Connecticut -- are suing the industry. Others, including San Francisco, Los Angeles, Baltimore, and Philadelphia, are considering it. [Wired News] Air-Brained Scheme -- Like a lot of people, Peter and Marguerite Harrison decided to celebrate the millennium by taking a trip to someplace special. The Harrisons, who live in London, settled on Australia. But they were smart about it, reserving their tickets well in advance. As a result, they managed to snag a couple of first-class return tickets to Sydney for a mere 999 pounds (US$1,607) apiece. If they''d bought those tickets last week, they would have paid 5,773 pounds ($9,240). Let that be a lesson to you. It pays to shop early, like the Harrisons did when they bought their tickets ... in 1983. [Wired News] Alabama Killings -- Police have released the names of three men shot to death Thursday by a disgruntled former coworker in Pelham, Alabama. Lee Holbrooks, 32, and Christopher Yancey, 28, were employed by Ferguson Enterprises and Terry Jarvis, 39, worked for Port Airgas. The suspect, whose age was given as 34 and remained unidentified, was a former employee of both companies. He was arrested by police following a car chase. The shootings occurred one week after a daytrader killed 9 people at two Atlanta brokerage houses. [Wired News] Alaskan Avalanche -- An avalanche in the mountains 50 miles south of Anchorage killed three snowmobilers Sunday. Three more were injured and two people remained missing. Alaska state troopers were probing the snow at sundown, trying to find survivors. It''s been nine days since another avalanche partially buried skiers at an Alaskan resort. Those victims esaped injury. [Wired News] American Kristallnacht -- A commission will decide next week what, if any, reparations should be awarded to the few survivors of one of the worst race riots in American history, CNN reports. On 31 May 1921, whites and blacks clashed in Tulsa, Oklahoma after the attempted lynching of a black man accused of assaulting a white woman, a charge which was later proven to be false. In the bloodbath that followed, anywhere from 300 to 3,000 people -- mostly black -- were killed, although the official history puts the death toll at under 100. However, archaeologists using ground-piercing radar have discovered evidence of a mass grave outside a Tulsa cemetery. The survivors, most of them in their 80s and 90s, aren''t interested in money. But they think an apology would be nice. [Wired News] And the Winners Are ... -- The 1998 Pulitzer Prize for fiction was awarded Monday to The Hours by Micheal Cunningham. Set in New York, the novel is based on Virginia Woolf''s classic, Mrs. Dalloway. Also honored was Margaret Edson, a 37-year-old kindergarten teacher who was cleaning her classroom when she learned of winning the drama award for Wit, her unsentimental play about a woman''s fight with ovarian cancer, and Duke Ellington, who was posthumously awarded a special music citation, for his "indelible contribution to art and culture," on the centennial of his birth. [Wired News] Ankle Oglers -- Capri pants, that unfortunate legacy of the ''50s now hugging the hips and exposing the ankles of fashion-conscious women in the ''90s, may go unisex by next spring, a leading men''s fashion association predicts. Men''s pantlegs will be moving up the leg, mavens say, from just above the ankle to just below the knee. Like those black, horned-rim glasses and ugly plaid, short-sleeved shirts men sport today, the idea is, in the words of one flack, so square that it''s hip. That''s a matter of opinion. [Wired News] Anniversary Day -- On this day in 1945, Major General Alfred Jodl signed Germany''s surrender in a little schoolhouse in Reims, France, ending World War II in Europe. Nine years later, the French grip on its colonial possessions in Asia was dealt a fatal blow with the crushing defeat at Dien Bien Phu. While the anniversary of Germany''s surrender is passing quietly in Europe, the Vietnamese marked the 45th anniversary of their decisive victory with a colorful, patriotic celebration at the site of the old battlefield in the Vietnam highlands. To the stirring strains of martial music, medal-bedecked veterans of the battle, wearing their distinctive green pith helmets, paraded before thousands of cheering spectators. For Americans, Dien Bien Phu is of more than passing interest, for it was they who stepped into the void left by the French. [Wired News] Another School Shooting -- Two gunmen in black trenchcoats and wearing ski masks opened fire in a Littleton, Colorado high school Tuesday, wounding at least 16 students, according to first reports. SWAT teams, joined by more than 100 police officers, surrounded Columbine High School, where the gunmen are believed to be holding hostages. CNN reported that explosions and gunfire could be heard coming from inside shortly after the gunmen stormed the school around 11:30 a.m. local time. One of the victims, a girl, was reportedly shot nine times in the chest. No fatalities have been confirmed. [Wired News] Another View -- Ah, the Brits, lord love ''em. Never miss a chance to tweak their knuckle-dragging cousins across the Pond. British journalists took their most recent pot shot after watching with bemusement as Americans along the Eastern Seaboard panicked and fled in the face of Hurricane Floyd, which turned out to be a tempest in a teapot. The British press -- that bastion of restraint -- chided the US media for overreacting and stampeding the herd. "In evacuating 1 percent of its population, the most powerful nation in the world has demonstrated an astonishing ability to mobilize its people, even in a near-pointless cause," wrote Bronwen Maddox in The Times of London. "At the same time, the latest gun massacre shows America''s inability to tackle one of the gravest threats to the lives of its citizens." [Wired News] Apparent Suicide -- The actor who played Todd, a character on the NBC sitcom Suddenly Susan, apparently hanged himself in a Las Vegas motel room. David Strickland''s body was discovered by an employee of the Oasis Motel on Monday, hanging from a bedsheet strung from a beam. A chair and an empty six-pack of beer were nearby. Strickland, 28, joined the cast of Suddenly Susan three seasons ago. [Wired News] Assassination in Paraguay -- Gunmen shot Paraguay''s vice president to death Tuesday as he entered his office in the capital of Asuncion, the Associated Press reported. The slaying of Luis Maria Argana, the country''s former foreign minister under dictator Alfredo Stroessner, comes only a month after the Paraguayan congress began impeachment proceedings against President Raul Cubas. Paraguay, a dictatorship for 35 years, returned to democratic rule in 1989. Argana''s killers fled after the shooting. [Wired News] Assassins Foiled -- A bomb shattered a bridge Sunday, killing four people shortly before Pakistan''s prime minister was to cross it. A delayed trip saved the leader and his family from the assassination attempt. The explosion could be heard for miles around Raiwind, where Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif lives. The government said the bombing, which also left three people wounded and two missing, was carried out by an ethnic party formerly allied with Sharif. [Wired News] Assault by Air -- The United States has Slobodan Milosevic surrounded. Not by ground troops -- which may ultimately be necessary to settle things in Yugoslavia -- but by radio transmitters, which the Americans are using to beam NATO''s perspective on the fighting to the Serbs. Circling the country with FM transmitters makes it more difficult for Serbian authorities to jam the signal, even though the FM frequency is easier to disrupt than an AM signal. Serb speakers working for Radio Free Europe have been enlisted to broadcast to their countrymen in the hopes of undermining Milosevic''s hold on Yugoslavia. The smart money says don''t bet on it. [Wired News] Atlanta Slayings -- Police are still piecing together the details of Thursday''s shootings in Atlanta, where Mark Barton, a day trader apparently sparked by stock market losses, went on a shooting rampage, killing nine people. He also bludgeoned to death his wife and two children, and had designs to kill several more victims before he was cornered by police and committed suicide. In-depth coverage from Lycos [Wired News] Attacks Underway -- NATO air strikes against Serbian military targets, which have been threatened for weeks, began Wednesday, President Clinton said in a national address. Clinton told the American people that the allies hope to achieve three main objectives through these operations: to deter further Yugoslav military action against the Kosovo Albanians, to demonstrate NATO''s commitment to peace in the region, and to undermine the Serbian army''s capacity to wage war. CNN correspondents on the scene in Belgrade and Pristina, Kosovo''s capital, reported hearing heavy explosions and small-arms fire but could not confirm any damage. [Wired News] Austrian Avalanche -- Seven people are confirmed dead, 20 have been rescued, and the rest remain missing after an avalanche struck near the Austrian resort town of Galtuer Tuesday afternoon, burying 55 people. Rescue workers said that most of those saved were badly injured by the avalanche, which struck around 4 p.m. local time. Blizzard conditions prevailed, keeping the injured from being evacuated and additional rescuers from being flown in. With fatal avalanches on Monday and Tuesday, Austria joins the list of Alpine countries hit hard by avalanches during a very hard winter in Europe. [Wired News] BBC Newscaster Slain -- The Daily Mirror reports that a professional hitman may have murdered top BBC television personality Jill Dando, 37, who hosted a program that tracked down criminals. Police say the newscaster was killed by a single gunshot to the head outside her London home. Neighbors told police they saw a well-dressed man with a cellular phone fleeing the scene. Prime Minister Tony Blair said he was deeply shocked to hear the news, calling Dando "totally charming and hugely talented." There had been press reports last year that Dando was being harassed by a stalker. [Wired News] Baby Boom -- Reuters reports from Moscow that "a tipsy Russian priest accidentally set off a hand grenade after a weekend christening..." The explosion may have been unintentional, but it does leave some questions unresolved. Like what was a priest doing liquored up and waving around a hand grenade? The baby was unharmed in the "accident" but the priest and the baby''s grandmother suffered some injuries. [Wired News] Back to Berlin -- A celebration tempered by the weight of history welcomed the German parliament home to Berlin Monday, a major step in returning the seat of government to the once and future capital. Legislators, led by Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, entered a lavishly restored Reichstag building, unused by the German government since Adolf Hitler proclaimed the Third Reich in 1933. Schroeder assured his countrymen, many of whom opposed the restoration of Berlin as the national capital, that democracy remains strong in Germany and that its continuity will not be broken. An irony of Monday''s move is that it coincides with Germany''s participation with other NATO countries in the war against Yugoslavia, the first time German troops have attacked a sovereign nation since World War II. [Wired News] Bad Apple -- Parents often disapprove of failing grades. But when Dale Robinson saw his daughter''s report card, he took matters into his own hands. Robinson was charged Wednesday with beating up his daughter''s math teacher and breaking some of his teeth. Teacher Antonio Centeio had given Robinson''s daughter a D-minus in math and a D in effort. Robinson, a self-described minister and youth counselor, pleaded innocent to assault and battery charges. School officials said it wasn''t the first time that Robinson had visited the school. [Wired News] Bad Dog -- Police in the southwestern German town of Bad Urach ruled out both suicide and foul play in the shotgun death of a 51-year-old hunter, whose body was found alongside his car earlier this week. Left with no other scenario, the Polizei concluded that the man -- who was not identified in news reports -- must have been killed when his dog jumped onto the shotgun laying on the front passenger''s seat, causing it to discharge. The NRA may want to amend its assertion that "guns don''t kill people. People kill people." [Wired News] Bad Vibes -- What''s approved for use -- even encouraged -- in China, but might result in a US$10,000 fine and serving some hard time in Alabama? A dildo, that''s what. At least 14 states in the United States have passed laws banning the use of so-called marital aids. Now, four women are challenging the law in Alabama but according to a report on ABC.com, their chances of winning are slim. Sex toys have been banned for being both "obscene" and "harmful," although sex therapists dismiss the first as inane and the second as completely untrue. But with Georgia and Texas already having had their sex-toy bans upheld in court, it looks like a lot of long, lonely nights ahead for those Alabama ladies. [Wired News] Bang for the Buck -- The B-2 "stealth" bomber, heavily criticized for its costliness when unveiled as the eventual replacement for the B-52, made its combat debut in the skies over Yugoslavia Wednesday. A pair of B-2s took off from Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri, refueled over the mid-Atlantic, and hit targets in Kosovo after being airborne for 15 hours. The plane''s primary tactical advantage is that it''s nearly impossible to detect by radar. It carries a payload of 16 2,000-pound bombs, which can be individually directed to selected targets. The B-2, built by Northrop Grumman Corp., is indeed costly: roughly US$2.2 billion each. Total cost for the projected 21-bomber fleet is estimated at $44 billion. [Wired News] Baseball Diplomacy -- More than 50,000 Cuban fans, including baseball-lover President Fidel Castro, packed a Havana stadium Sunday to watch a US major league team take the field against a Cuban team for the first time in 40 years. The Baltimore Orioles defeated their hosts 3-2 in an 11-inning game that lasted four hours. But the home team was at a disadvantage, having never before played a game with wooden bats. In defiance of the longstanding trade embargo, wooden bats were brought in through a third country for the American exhibition game. [Wired News] Battle of the Bimbos -- Granted, it''s not like being the queen of England or anything, but inquiring minds want to know: Just who is "Queen of the Internet" anyway? A story in The Wall Street Journal (of all places) says it''s Pamela Lee. This drew instant fire from Cindy Margolis who, like her rival, is blonde and built. Cindy, whose prior claim to fame was working as the "prize pointer" on The Price Is Right, was royally peeved and the webmistress of her site made no bones about which babe is top dog online: "I don''t know where Pamela Lee gets off," she fumed with righteous Hollywood indignation. "There''s no question who rules the Internet." [Wired News] Bayer''s Big Headache -- A federal lawsuit filed by a Holocaust survivor claims the German pharmaceutical giant paid Nazi doctors to perform experiments on Jews at Auschwitz. A lawsuit filed in US District Court in Indianapolis says Bayer supervised experiments in which prisoners were injected with germs to test the effectiveness of the company''s drugs. Eva Kor of Terre Haute, Indiana, says her twin sister died from experiments she was subjected to as a child. Bayer has denied any involvement in the tests. [Wired News] Beatles Reunion -- Well, not really. But the three surviving Liverpool Lads are getting together to drum up publicity for a digitally enhanced reissue of Yellow Submarine, the animated Beatles feature movie from 1968. On 8 September, a specially painted yellow train will carry Paul, George, and Ringo from London to Paris (via the Chunnel) to coincide with the film''s release. Digitally enhanced? The original, as we recall, was psychedelically enhanced. More from Lycos [Wired News] Beatles Reunion -- The four lads from Liverpool will be reunited one last time -- if not in person (which would be a bit difficult) then at least in song. The three surviving Beatles plan to release a previously unpublished single later this summer. Recorded during the Yellow Submarine sessions in 1968, the song, with John Lennon singing lead, is described by a Beatles spokesman as "a real rocker." Unlike the 1995 single, "Free As a Bird," it will not be remixed and will be released in its original form. And once it''s out, that''s it, vow Messrs. McCartney, Harrison, and Starr. There will be nothing more from the most famous rock and roll band in history. [Wired News] Beauty Scandal -- It''s not exactly the Dreyfus Affair, but sometimes you take what you can get. When Mareva Galanter won the title of Miss France, some French TV viewers smelled a rat. It turns out that Galanter, who hails from Tahiti, is related to popular French singer Sacha Distel, chairman of the jury that crowned her last December. On top of that, her grandmother was hatmaker to the pageant''s chief organizer. And not only that, but a side jury of television viewers decided that the runner-up, Amelie Rudler, was prettier than Galanter anyway. Now, Galanter''s detractors have retained an attorney and gone to court to have the poor girl stripped of her title. A ruling is expected next week. [Wired News] Beavers Busted -- They''re busy, all right. A family of buck-toothed rodents has been gnawing Washington''s famous blossoming cherry trees. Authorities have arrested two, and a third has been spotted between the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. The National Park Service called in a trapping company to catch the beavers, who have destroyed or damaged 14 trees since their attack began 1 April. They''ve brought down four cherries, five white cedars, and one holly. Four more cherry trees have been damaged and officials say two others might not survive. [Wired News] Bedroom Eyes -- Americans are lousy in the sack. Or a lot of them are, anyway. A study in the current Journal of the American Medical Association concludes that nearly one third of men and 43 percent of women suffer from some sort of sexual dysfunction -- either they don''t like it, don''t want it, or aren''t any good at it. The study, billed as the most significant survey of American sexual behavior since the landmark Kinsey report in 1948, details a smorgasbord of hang-ups and physical problems: lack of desire, difficulty in becoming aroused, premature orgasms (or no orgasm at all), pain during sex, fear of failure, and sex without pleasure. So that''s why Viagra''s sales are skyrocketing. [Wired News] Big Boost for Big Al -- He hasn''t announced his candidacy yet, but Al Gore is already running for president. If there were any lingering doubts, the vice president drooling in the background on Monday while House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt endorsed his candidacy should remove them. Gephardt, who loomed as Gore''s most formidable rival for the Democratic nomination, decided to remain in Congress and work to secure a Democratic majority in the House, a goal that looks very obtainable come 2000. That leaves New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley as Gore''s only declared obstacle, although you can''t rule out Jesse Jackson, who seems bent on becoming the Harold Stassen of the ''90s. [Wired News] Big Bucks Breakup -- One of those messy little divorce cases involving a scandalously wealthy couple -- the kind that makes good tabloid reading -- won''t be going to court after all. When Paloma Picasso and her Argentine husband called it quits, he sued for half her fortune, estimated at around 500 million pounds ($815 million, give or take). Rafael Lopez-Cambil claimed that he helped his wife, daughter of Pablo, build her cosmetics business and was therefore entitled to half of everything. Now comes word that the couple, married since 1978, has agreed to settle matters outside the courtroom. No terms were disclosed. [Wired News] Big Mac Attack -- For McDonald''s to prosper, cows must die. Be that as it may, the hamburger-slinger has been in discussions with an animal-rights group -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- to see how the fast-food monolith might help promote animal-rights issues within the industry. Those talks have gotten nowhere, apparently, and now the folks at PETA have lost patience. They''re planning to launch a billboard and bumper-sticker campaign, chiding McDonald''s for its foot-dragging. This doesn''t sit well with CEO Jack Greenberg, who said he was "disappointed ... because we at McDonald''s are sincere in our desire to provide leadership in the area of animal welfare." Yeah. Kill ''em with kindess. [Wired News] Big Macs Under Attack -- Those golden arches don''t fall easily. Three McDonald''s fast food restaurants in Belgrade, vandalized after NATO air strikes on Yugoslavia began 24 March, handed out 3,000 free burgers to celebrate their reopening over the weekend. Anti-war protesters had painted big bull''s eyes on the buildings, identified with the NATO allies. A sign posted Saturday at one location said, "This restaurant is a target, as we all are. If it has to be destroyed, let it be done by NATO." [Wired News] Birds Brained -- Migrating songbirds are being killed at the rate of about 4 million each year, not by hunters or cats or other predators, but by radio transmission towers. According to a story in USA Today, the birds, which tend to fly after sundown, are attracted by the flashing beacons sitting atop the towers, which transmit TV, radio, and cell-phone signals. As a result, many soar headlong into the towers themselves, or into the guy wires, or into each other. The greatest toll is taken among the warblers, vireos, and thrushes, all champion flyers who migrate thousands of miles a year. Scientists have counted more than 42,000 dead birds at one tower alone -- a 1,000-foot structure in Florida -- over a 25-year span. [Wired News] Bit o'' the Grape -- The wine industry -- armed with a few supporting studies -- has been singing the praises of its product as an aid to health. The US government is apparently convinced, since it''s given the green light for vintners to put labels on their bottles touting the health-giving properties of wine. Studies do indicate that moderate amounts of red wine appear to reduce the risk of heart disease in some people. Of course, the key is moderation. If you don''t believe it, ask a wino. [Wired News] Biting Back -- Hundreds of anglers armed with rod, reel, and raw steak flocked to the Brazilian town of Aracatuba in S o Paulo on Sunday for a one-day piranha fishing tournament. The townspeople have declared open season on the flesh-eating fish, which have decimated other species in the local river. The prize for Sunday''s tournament was an outboard motor. But most fishermen were content to go home with plenty of piranha, reputed to be a powerful aphrodisiac. [Wired News] Bitter Chocolate -- Maybe they really do mean it as a compliment, but this being the ''90s and all, feathers are easily ruffled. In any case, the Philippines is officially protesting a chocolate-covered cookie made in Spain and sold in Europe under the name "Filipinos." The former Spanish colony says the name is racist, but Nabisco Iberia SL, which makes the cookie, denies the charge. "It''s a product of very high quality," said Nabisco, "along the lines of Colombian coffee, Swiss cheese, or Belgian waffles." Filipinos must have been doing a long, slow burn over this, seeing as how the cookies have been sold under that name in Europe for more than 10 years. [Wired News] Black Farmers Win Suit -- The US government will pay up to black farmers who say the Agriculture Department discriminated against them for decades in awarding loans and other aid. A deal reached Tuesday will give as many as 4,000 farmers a tax-free cash payment of US$50,000 and erase their USDA debts. The farmers have long complained they were denied government loans, disaster relief, and other aid because of their race, and did not get fair hearings from the USDA when they appealed. [Wired News] Black Magic -- Burkittsville, Maryland, a small town sandwiched between two Civil War battlefields, is the setting for The Blair Witch Project, the pseudo-documentary/horror film that goes into general release this week. But get this through your heads, people: While Burkittsville is real enough, the movie is a hoax. A fabrication. A FAKE. Law enforcement officials in Frederick County, where Burkittsville is situated, have been inundated by calls from moviegoers wanting to learn more about the evil, child-stealing witch who inhabits the area. Once again, folks, there is NO child-stealing witch. It''s just a freakin'' movie. [Wired News] Blanket Coverage -- What''s good for the gander, in this case, is apparently good for the goose as well. Influenced by the fact that insurance companies are covering Viagra prescriptions, several state legislatures have passed measures requiring carriers to cover women''s contraceptives, too. Eight states have already passed so-called "contraceptive equity" bills and a number of others, including California and New York, have them in the pipeline. The basic issue is fairness: Thinking legislators were struck by the fact that Viagra received coverage as soon as it became available while the birth-control pill has been ignored by insurance companies for 40 years. [Wired News] Bodies Found -- The bodies of John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife Carolyn, and her sister Lauren Bessette were found Wednesday off the coast of Martha''s Vineyard, along with a large portion of the plane''s fuselage. The bodies, along with the wreckage of the Piper Saratoga, will be retrieved by divers and brought aboard the USS Grasp, a Navy salvage vessel. A private mass for Kennedy and his wife will be held Friday morning in the New York City church that Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis attended. A service for Lauren Bessette will be held Saturday in Greenwich, Connecticut. [Wired News] Bombing Continues -- NATO bombs continued to fall on Yugoslavia after generals representing the Belgrade government balked at the US-led alliance''s stringent terms for withdrawing their troops from the breakaway province Kosovo. Talks between the two sides in Macedonia were recessed so that the Yugoslav officers could confer with their government. Their chief objections: the alliance''s insistence on placing NATO troops in Kosovo, the rapid timetable for Yugoslav withdrawal, and the potential threat posed by Kosovar guerrillas. [Wired News] Breaking Ranks -- Two moderate Republican senators -- Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania and Vermont''s James Jeffords -- have heard and seen enough. They said Wednesday that they''ll vote to acquit President Clinton, basically because the evidence doesn''t support a conviction. Actually, the Republicans just seem anxious to get it over with. Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott is calling for a vote by 5 p.m. EST Thursday. Meanwhile, hopes for a censure appear to be fading as well. Jeffords, who says he''ll vote against both articles of impeachment and expects at least 12 other Republicans to join him, doubts that the prosecution will get a simple majority for either article, let alone the two-thirds needed to convict. [Wired News] Bringing Up Baby -- According to a national study, Japanese fathers spend an average of 17 minutes a day with their kids, the International Herald Tribune reports. The findings, which prompted the Japanese government to begin urging men to get more involved with child rearing, have touched off a tempest in old Nippon. A lot of Japanese women think it''s high time the old man spent more time at home and less time working and carousing with his cronies. A lot of men in this fiercely patriarchal society would just as soon the government mind its own business. But the times they are a changin'': More women are in the workplace than ever before and equality issues have moved to the front burner. [Wired News] Buck(ingham) Naked -- Five men were arrested Tuesday after staging a nude demonstration outside Buckingham Palace. Authorities said the five were members of a group called The Right to Be Naked, about 20 of whom took turns disrobing. Four of the men were later released, but a police spokesman said a fifth -- who climbed naked onto a statue of Queen Victoria -- remained in custody. It was not clear whether Queen Elizabeth witnessed the demonstration. [Wired News] Bull''s Eye? -- If a respected English literature professor has it right, Robin Hood and his "band of merrie men" really were, well, merry. According to Stephen Knight, a professor at England''s Cardiff University, the legendary folk hero -- who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor -- was gay. Knight reached his conclusion, which has touched off a tempest in Old Blighty, after studying 14th century ballads that are the earliest known records of Robin''s deeds. Because the 14th century was more circumspect than the 20th, there''s no overt reference to Robin''s sexuality. But, says Knight, the ballads "do contain a great deal of erotic imagery. The green wood [of Sherwood Forest] itself is a symbol of virility and the references to arrows, quivers, and swords make it clear, too." And what of Maid Marian, Robin''s reputed love? A fabrication, asserts Knight, who maintains she was a 16th century invention to make the man in tights a bit more manly. [Wired News] Bummer -- Peace and love only go so far in the ''90s, it seems. During the ''60s, they managed to milk a whole summer out of the concept but now, at the century''s close, they couldn''t even sustain it for four days. The riot-and-arson spree that marred the close of the four-day "return to Woodstock" festival over the weekend was the handiwork of around 500 morons who let their Lord of the Flies mentality get the better of them. A few defended their action, calling it a reaction to the price gouging by food and souvenir vendors. You can bet some of them are home today, swilling their $3 lattes without batting an eye. The ''90s ain''t the ''60s, honey, so don''t bother trying. [Wired News] Bummer, Man -- It''s a great local story: A rehabilitation house for addicted mothers is opening next month in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco, hallowed hippie ground during the Summer of Love. The San Francisco Chronicle gleefully reported Thursday that the rehab center would be housed in the same Victorian once occupied by Janis Joplin, who by then was downing a quart of Southern Comfort a day to give her singing voice that nice, raspy edge. Great human interest, Scoop. Except the Chronicle, and the other media that latched onto it, got it wrong. Joplin actually lived in the house next door, where she hung out regularly with her neighbors: Jimi Hendrix, Country Joe McDonald, and the Jefferson Airplane. The newspaper made a playful retreat on Friday, blaming the error on the vagaries of hippie history. Sort of a "Purple Haze defense." [Wired News] Business as Usual -- A White House spokesman says President Clinton will go ahead with his State of the Union address, despite calls that he postpone it because of his impeachment trial. With his trial set to resume later this week, Clinton faces the daunting challenge of addressing Congress on 19 January in the midst of Senate proceedings into whether he should be removed from office. A White House spokesman says President Clinton will go ahead with his State of the Union address, despite calls that he postpone it because of his impeachment trial. With the trial set to resume later this week, Clinton faces the daunting challenge of addressing Congress on 19 January in the midst of Senate proceedings that will determine whether he is removed from office. [Wired News] Business is Booming -- What''s the business angle on a war? The Dow Jones service led a story on the Kosovo conflict this way: "A large-scale troop deployment in Yugoslavia might be a NATO foot soldier''s worst nightmare. But to Brad Spahr, it doesn''t sound so bad." Spahr, it turns out, runs a California company that manufactures rotary blades for the US Army''s Apache helicopter, which figures to see plenty of action if ground troops are forced to go in after Big Bad Milosevic. Assuming some of the choppers go down, or at least foul some blades, a protracted war in the Balkans could mean a nice flow of black ink for Spahr''s ledger. As for the flow of red blood, well, that''s just an unfortunate byproduct in this line of work. [Wired News] Campaign Trial -- In a local TV interview, a Republican mayoral candidate in Baltimore had plenty to say about crime and discourteous cops. The cops had a few things to say about her, it turned out. A police officer watching the show recognized Dorothy Joyner as the woman he''d issued a warrant to last year for misdemeanor burglary. During her segment on Newsmaker Ms. Joyner described herself as a churchgoer with 30 years experience in education. Afterward, she made a second appearance for cameras as officers waiting outside the studios of WBFF-TV led her from the station in handcuffs. [Wired News] Can I Get a Witness? -- Congressional prosecutors said Thursday that President Clinton repeatedly put himself above the law and betrayed his oath of office in trying to hide his affair with Monica Lewinsky. During the first day of the impeachment trial, the House managers urged the Senate to call half a dozen witnesses. Democrats and the White House do not want witnesses called, saying there is already a mountain of evidence on record. White House lawyers will present their defense case beginning Tuesday, the same day the president is scheduled to deliver the State of the Union address. [Wired News] Can I Get a Witness? -- So much for civility. Senate Republicans say they have the votes to call witnesses at President Clinton''s impeachment trial, and the White House is vowing to drag out the trial for weeks if they do. The Senate votes on the issue Wednesday, and Republicans expect a few Democrats to break ranks and agree to depose witnesses. Meanwhile, a Democratic motion to dismiss the charges is expected to fail along party lines. It looks like the gloves are coming off. [Wired News] Capital Idea -- Germany, as of Tuesday, is being governed from Berlin for the first time since the reign of Adolf Hitler. Rather than dwelling upon those unpleasant echoes lawmakers are looking to the future, and the move eastward says a lot about where the future of Europe is headed. With the former Communist-bloc nations chomping at the bit for admission into the European Union, Germany is well-placed -- and very inclined -- to help them. But the government''s return to Berlin is also heavily symbolic, representing as it does the final restoration of Germany as a political -- and not just economic -- leader in Europe. [Wired News] Cartman Goin'' South? -- Apparently there''s a limit to the amount of bad taste people will tolerate, even young males. Ratings for Comedy Central''s South Park series, which enjoys a strong following among that demographic, have dropped a whopping 46 percent since last season, from a 7 to a meager 3.8 percent share. Can the end be far off? Don''t bet on it. "We never expected the show to sustain 6, 7, and 8 ratings," said a Comedy Central veep in charge of programming for Comedy Central. The numbers may be way down, but South Park remains the highest-rated "scripted entertainment series on cable television," she assured us. Whatever that means. [Wired News] Castro Courts US -- Fidel Castro has again beseeched the United States to ally itself with Cuba in a war against drug trafficking that El Jefe says imperils hundreds of thousands of young Americans. Castro, who has been rebuffed in previous attempts by the powerful anti-Castro lobby in Washington, told an audience in Havana that these people -- many of them Cuban exiles -- are "sabotaging an agreement that would objectively become one of the greatest alliances against drug trafficking." Cuba has stepped up its war against traffickers recently, even imposing the death penalty on Communist Party officials found guilty of the crime. [Wired News] Century''s Top Story -- What was the top news story of the 20th century? If you said the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, then you''re in agreement with the panel of US journalists and historians who convened to select the top 100 news stories of this action-packed century. Second on the list was landing a man on the moon (1969); the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor (1941) came in third. That last one is a bit surprising, since it can be reasonably argued that Pearl Harbor wasn''t even the biggest event of the Second World War. And the advent of the World Wide Web? That finished 32nd. [Wired News] Change in Israel? -- Monday is election day in Israel and if the latest poll is accurate, Benjamin Netanyahu''s reign as prime minister may be about over. The latest figures show Labor candidate Ehud Barak holding a commanding 49.9 to 35.1 percent lead over the beleaguered Likud PM. Two other candidates -- including Arab Azmi Bishara -- complicate matters, but if Bishara drops out of the race as expected, that may sink Netanyahu''s boat altogether. Should Barak finish with more than 50 percent of the vote, he''ll avert a runoff and win the race outright. And since Bishara will almost certainly throw his weight behind Barak, the good ship Netanyahu has taken on a heavy list. To starboard, naturally. [Wired News] Character Reference? -- Unless something happens, 22 major-league umpires will be unemployed after the conclusion of Wednesday''s games. In a last-ditch attempt to save those jobs -- lost when the umps resigned in protest then tried unsuccessfully to rescind their resignations -- the umpires'' union filed suit, seeking an injunction to keep the blues employed. As part of its plea, the union used this quote: "The leagues should recognize that umpires have a special relationship to the game, which is different from that of players. Umpires should not be treated as employees but as judges who are independent of both players and owners, whose primary responsibility is to maintain the integrity of the game." Words to gladden any ump''s heart, until you consider the source: Richard Nixon, who arbitrated a dispute between umpires and baseball in 1985. On the other hand, Tricky Dick knew a thing or two about resigning, didn''t he? [Wired News] Charlie Hustler -- Ten years after being banned for life on gambling charges, Pete Rose is back in professional baseball. Rose, the all-time major league hit leader, accepted a job as batting instructor with the Sacramento Steelheads of the Western Baseball League, which has no affiliation with Major League Baseball. Interviewed by the San Francisco Chronicle, Rose, as usual, was unrepentant. He said he told his young players: "If you gamble, baseball really frowns on it, but if you take drugs, they just pat you on the back and say, ''We''ll take care of it'' and get you some rehab, and turn you back loose again. I don''t want you to do either one, but if you''re going to do one of the two in baseball, you better do drugs, because even if you have a bad night, you might forget what happened." A .330 hitter with a .130 brain, ol'' Pete is. [Wired News] Cheese, No Crackers -- Chasing wheels of cheese down a steep slope can be a dangerous sport. Dozens of injuries in 1997 forced last year''s cancellation of a centuries-old tradition in Brockworth, England. There were crash barriers and a rescue team at this year''s race on Monday. And moving the race to noon kept contestants from drinking too much before race time. The result? A few bumps and bruises to rollers and fans, but nothing serious. The winner, 30-year-old Stephen Brain, went home with an eight-pound wheel of double Gloucester cheese. [Wired News] Chilly Forecast -- Worried about global warming? Maybe you should be. According to the science journal Nature, we may actually be in the early stages of a new ice age. Scientists in Antarctica, drilling more than two miles down through the ice, say there''s evidence that the Earth has endured four long ice ages -- each lasting up to 100,000 years -- and that we appear to be about 18,000 years into a fifth. This, despite the fact that the temperature has been rising steadily now for 100 years. While industrial pollution is to blame for some of the temperature increase, at least part of it is caused by natural greenhouse gases which have always existed. Still, it seems at tad warm for being 18 millennia into an ice age. [Wired News] China Air Crash -- All 64 people aboard a domestic Chinese flight were killed Wednesday when their Russian-built jet exploded in mid-air as it was coming in to land at Wenzhou, a city in eastern China. The China Southwest Airlines flight was bound from Chengdu in the southwestern province of Sichuan. Officials could give no reason for the crash of the Tupolev 154. [Wired News] China Syndrome -- With its military newspapers spewing bile and vitriol worthy of the most hackneyed kung-fu movie screenwriter, China put on a display of martial might unseen in those parts since the days of Tiananmen Square. Although the parade of tanks, missile launchers, and artillery tractors was billed as a dress rehearsal for a giant bash commemorating 50 years as a communist paradise, China made no bones about acknowledging it as an open threat to Taiwan, which continues to thumb its nose at its covetous brethren across the Formosa Strait. "All action attempting to split the motherland and block reunification of the nation will surely end in bloodshed as it smashes its head into this indestructible great wall of steel," penned one purple-veined military scribe. [Wired News] Choppers Bound for Balkans -- The Pentagon is sending two dozen tank-killing Apache helicopters backed by ground-based missiles and rockets to join the campaign against Serbian forces. A spokesman said the helicopter deployment was "absolutely not" a step toward an attack by NATO ground troops in Kosovo. About 2,000 soldiers will be deployed with the new force in Albania. [Wired News] Civics Lesson -- Ryan Green, a 15-year-old freshman at Harrison Central High School in Gulfport, Mississippi, is Jewish. That''s apparently beside the point to the district school board, which refused to rescind a teacher''s order to Ryan to stop displaying the Star of David he wears around his neck. After being told by the teacher to keep it inside his shirt "for his own good," the boy told his father, who went to the board. He was told that because at least one gang in the area uses a six-pointed star as its symbol, the district had no choice but to enforce the ban. Although the trustees declined to extend the ban to include Christian religious symbols, leaders from all faiths -- even televangelist Pat Robertson and conservative Baptist leader Jerry Falwell -- condemned the action. [Wired News] Class Cut-Ups -- You wanna be a computer programmer, you work with computers. You wanna be a doctor, you work with cadavers. Trouble is, computers are easier to come by than corpses, unless you happen to know the right people at the University of California at Irvine. Or make that "knew." According to the Los Angeles Times, as many as 30 premed students paid $300 apiece for a private -- but unauthorized -- course that let them work with fresh stiffs. When school officials got wind that a "special class" was being held in the basement lab of UCI''s Willed Body Program, the joint was busted. It turns out that the program''s director, no longer employed by the university, had business ties to the guy who offered the anatomy course. [Wired News] Clearing Out the House -- Your chance of actually winning is roughly the same as being struck by lightning in your bathtub, and the state of Wisconsin has had enough. The attorney general filed suit against Publishers Clearing House Thursday, accusing the company of using deceptive advertising to lure people into buying magazine subscriptions by implying that they''re on the brink of winning millions of dollars. The bait has been effective: The suit cites the case of one Wisconsin man who has spent more than US$10,000 since 1989 trying to make the big kill. He''s gotten a bunch of magazines and nothing else for his trouble. The folks at PCH, not surprisingly, think they''ve been wronged, saying that their rules are clear, most people understand them, and that no purchase is necessary to win. [Wired News] Clinton''s End Run -- Mindful that conservative Republicans blocked his first attempt to appoint James Hormel, the first openly gay US ambassador in history, President Clinton waited until the Senate was away on its extended Memorial Day weekend before using an obscure presidential power to name Hormel envoy to Luxembourg. Although officials in Luxembourg welcomed the appointment, Clinton is already taking flak for using the so-called recess appointment to circumvent his right-wing opponents. "Clinton does unpopular things in sneaky ways," said Robert Knight, a spokesman for the Family Research Council. "This appointment was not going to fly, so he imposed it on the country. And it means that he''s using this nation to make the case to the world for sodomy and adultery." [Wired News] Clinton''s New Dawn -- A confident, upbeat President Clinton proclaimed "a new dawn for America" in his State of the Union address Tuesday, then went on to outline ambitious plans for the final 18 months of his presidency. Aside from revitalizing Social Security and Medicare for an aging America, Clinton has his sights set on improving public education, boosting the minimum wage, resolving the Y2K problem, and modernizing the military. He took time out to honor the first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, who beamed down at him from the family gallery, where she was flanked by Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa (Hillary, a Chicagoan, is a rabid Cubs fan) and civil-rights heroine Rosa Parks. Impeachment trial? There was nary a mention, and the Republicans in attendance were respectful, if not warm. [Wired News] Clipped -- Well, if Al Gore really did create the Internet like he says he did, then maybe it''s possible that Trent Lott actually invented the paper clip. That''s what the Senate Majority Leader claimed in a tongue-in-cheek press release obviously meant to tweak the veep for his rather bald-faced statement the other day. "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the paper clip," the Mississippi Republican said, tossing Gore''s own words back at him. "Paper clips bind us together as a nation." The Democrats managed a wan smile, but didn''t back away from Gore''s assertion that his support while a congressman played a major role in the Net''s development. They also returned fire: "It''s no surprise that Senator Lott and his fellow Republicans are taking credit for an invention that was created a long time ago. After all, they''re the party whose ideas will take us back to the Dark Ages." [Wired News] Closure -- Following a brief service aboard the Navy destroyer USS Briscoe, the ashes of John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife Carolyn, and her sister Lauren Bessette will be scattered at sea Thursday off the coast of Cape Cod. The three were killed last Friday when their small plane crashed into the Atlantic Ocean near Martha''s Vineyard. Their bodies were recovered Wednesday and brought ashore, where autopsies were performed and the remains cremated. A private Mass for Kennedy and his wife will be celebrated Friday in New York City, where the couple lived. A separate memorial will be held for Bessette Saturday in Greenwich, Connecticut. [Wired News] Cold War II? -- NATO is threatening swift action if peace talks between Serbia and ethnic Albanians break down because of Serbian intransigence, and that''s got Russia aroused. Javier Solana, NATO''s secretary-general, said the allies will bomb the Serbs if they block the peace process. Conversely, NATO will cut off weapons supplies to the Albanians if they don''t cooperate in trying to solve the Kosovo mess. Russia, meanwhile, with its longstanding ethnic and cultural ties to Serbia, adamantly opposes any military action against the Serbs. "We won''t let Kosovo be touched," Russian President Boris Yeltsin said. [Wired News] Colombian Quake -- Colombian officials fear that thousands of people may have been killed in Tuesday''s devastating earthquake that leveled many communities throughout the country. Rescue workers had recovered 700 bodies by late Tuesday, but thousands more are known to be trapped in the rubble. Among the cities hardest hit was the Andean town of Armenia, where officials believe that as many as 2,000 people may have died. Relief was already rolling into Colombia through the International Red Cross: Germany, France, Canada, and the United States were among the first to respond to a worldwide appeal for aid. [Wired News] Consumer Ed 101 -- Johnny has three pairs of Nikes. He gives one pair to Annie and another pair to Tyrone. How many pairs of Nikes does Johnny have now? The latest flap over creeping commercialization surfaced in the area of school textbooks, some of which are now using recognized brand names -- Oreos, M Ms, Cocoa Frosted Flakes, and the ubiquitous Nike -- to illustrate various linguistic and mathematical concepts. The idea has both defenders and detractors, who stake out the usual positions. Advocates say that emphasizing consumer culture encourages fashion-conscious kids to at least crack a textbook now and then. Critics assail the American Textbook Council, which approved the books, for feeding shallowness and warped values. Johnny, meanwhile, is still a lousy reader. [Wired News] Crafty Lefty -- Actor Warren Beatty is so underwhelmed by Al Gore and Bill Bradley, the two main candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination, that he''s considering taking a run at the ticket himself. Why would Beatty, a former US senator (well, his character Jay Billington Bulworth was, anyway, in Bulworth), think he''s qualified to be the next Great Helmsman? For one thing, he''s been active in Democratic Party affairs since, like, forever. For another, he''s an actor, and that''s been done before, too. And finally, he comes right out and calls himself a liberal Democrat. That''ll wow ''em in Peoria, yessiree. [Wired News] Crash Course -- Solemn mourners from Oakland to New York marked the 100th anniversary of the death of Henry Bliss on Monday. In 1899, Bliss got knocked down by a car, becoming the first of about 3 million Americans killed in automobile accidents. Organizers of a "national day of mourning" wanted motorists to shut off their engines at 5 p.m. for a silent vigil. Reports from around the country indicated many vehicles were at a standstill. But their engines -- and horns -- were far from silent. [Wired News] Criminal DNA -- Here''s one that''s guaranteed to raise the hackles of civil libertarians, privacy freaks, and their hangers on: Attorney General Janet Reno wants to study the legality of taking DNA samples from anyone arrested for a crime in the United States, not just sex offenders and violent felons. Lower courts have already upheld the right to take DNA from criminal suspects, agreeing that the government''s need to solve crime outweighs privacy concerns. A commission convened to study the issue is expected to issue recommendations sometime during the summer. Stay tuned. [Wired News] Cross-Swimmer -- Transvestitism isn’t just for humans anymore. According to New Scientist, the cuttlefish, a relative of the squid, has perfected the technique at a reef Down Under. If a male cuttlefish is too small to compete for a mate, he assumes the colors and pattern of the female. When cuttlefish couples pair off to mate, the male-in-tights tags along. While the bigger cuttlefish fights off other male suitors, the cuttlefish-in-drag reveals his masculine side to the female and woos her. He can revert back to his ruse if the big guy notices something fishy. The transvestite cuttlefish gives up the tactic as soon as he is big enough to compete with other male rivals. This tactic can also be observed at singles bars worldwide. [Wired News] Crowded Planet -- Just before 8:30 eastern time Sunday evening (if the US Census Bureau''s world population clock can be believed) the 6 billionth person happened onto the scene. The folks at the Census Bureau are quick to point out that they don''t consider their clock to be accurate to the nth degree; think of it as more of an hourglass than a digital quartz. But whether there are 6 billion people in the world now, or, as the United Nations believes, not until October, the basic point remains: The line for movie tickets just keeps getting longer and longer. [Wired News] Crowds Attack US Embassies -- Ugly mobs of Chinese protesters marched outside the US Embassy in Beijing for a second day Sunday to protest the accidental bombing of the Chinese Embassy in Yugoslavia. Saturday''s blast killed three and injured 20. In China, rock-throwing demonstrators shouted anti-American slogans, and some bore signs with the ominous "A debt of blood must be repaid in blood." The American ambassador to China said he and his staff were confined to the embassy and were "essentially hostages." Other NATO nations'' embassies in China were targets of similar protests. [Wired News] Cubs Lose Wood -- Nothing good ever happens to the Chicago Cubs, so why should 1999 be any different? On Tuesday, baseball''s perennial saps found out that they have lost pitcher Kerry Wood for the season, and possibly two seasons. Wood, the 1998 National League Rookie of the Year, blew out his arm in an exhibition game. According to the Cubs, the hard-throwing righthander damaged the ulnar collateral ligament in his right elbow after throwing just 26 pitches against the Anaheim Angels on Sunday. Although Wood has yet to undergo an MRI, the Cubs have written him off for the ''99 campaign. So has the Chicago Sun-Times, which reported Tuesday that Wood will need the "Tommy John" surgery, an elbow-reconstruction job. [Wired News] Cupboard Is Bare -- Light-years from the world of inflated stock values and overnight millionaires, an estimated 1.5 billion people -- a quarter of the world''s population -- live on less than a dollar a day. A United Nations report released Thursday said that while the gross domestic product rose about 2 percent in developed nations in 1998, the GDP rose only 1.7 percent in poorer countries, meaning that the gulf between rich and poor is widening. "Adjustments in real economic sectors will take a much longer period of time to be implemented and to bear fruit than changes in financial and monetary indicators," it said, meaning that the little guy takes it in the shorts again. [Wired News] Dark Cloud -- With the economy booming, Americans are living large right now. However, there''s a downside to all this conspicuous consumption: Americans are cramming their driveways with BMWs and piling Sony stereo equipment on their shelves faster than the Germans or Japanese or anyone else is stocking up with American-made consumer goods. That''s called a trade deficit, folks, and economists are alarmed after watching the US deficit bloat to a record $24.62 billion at the end of June. The biggest trade gap still exists with Japan, but the latest figures established all-time highs with Western Europe and Mexico as well. [Wired News] De-Evolution -- While Kansas was busy Wednesday deleting the teaching of evolution from the state''s science curriculum, schools in rural eastern Kentucky began posting the Ten Commandments in every classroom to begin countering what some local ministers described as the nation''s "moral decline." The plaques, paid for and installed by volunteers, went up with virtually no opposition. One school superintendent defended the decision as an antidote to "all the violent issues that have been showing up." Odd, then, that the idea of gun control hasn''t really caught on the Bluegrass State. [Wired News] Deadly Copycat -- A 14-year-old boy is in custody after shooting two students at a rural high school near Calgary, Alberta, Wednesday in what witnesses described as a copycat attack that mirrors the massacre at Columbine High School last week. One victim died and the other is in critical condition following the noontime shooting at W.R. Myers High School in Taber, a small farming community 275 kilometers southeast of Calgary. The suspect, who was not identified because of his age, was wearing a blue trench coat, which he used to conceal a .22 caliber, sawed-off rifle. He was described to a reporter from the Calgary Herald as "a real loser type." The dead teen was identified as Jason Lang, 17. Shane Christmas, also 17, was wounded in the attack. [Wired News] Death Penalty Ban? -- What''s up with Boris Yeltsin and this bucking of tradition all of a sudden? First he wants to pull Lenin out of his mausoleum and bury him in the ground. And now he wants to get rid of capital punishment, which has a tradition of what, 600 years in Russia? Although Russia pledged to abolish the death penalty within three years of joining the Council of Europe in 1996, the average Russian supports capital punishment -- traditionally carried out by a single shot to the back of the head -- believing it a deterrent to violent crime. Yet interestingly enough, violent crime has surged in Russia since a moratorium on executions was imposed in 1996. So if Yeltsin has his way, will it be a kinder, gentler Russia -- for criminals, anyway? [Wired News] Defining ''Hate'' -- President Clinton on Tuesday urged Congress to expand the list of hate crimes covered under federal law to include cases involving sexual orientation, gender, and disability. "The Hate Crimes Prevention Act would ... send a message to ourselves and to the world that we are going into the 21st century determined to preach and to practice what is right," he said. Currently, only crimes based on a victim''s race or religion can be prosecuted as hate crimes. And while most states have hate-crime laws, only 21 include sexual orientation. Twenty-two cover gender, and 21 cover disability. Clinton drew parallels between the hatred in the United States and the religious and ethnic persecution in Kosovo, and urged Congress to support the initiative. "We should remember that each of us ... wakes up every day with the scales of light and darkness in our own hearts, and we''ve got to keep them in proper balance." [Wired News] Dennis the Menace -- The bad boy of basketball has played just nine games for the Los Angeles Lakers. But Dennis Rodman apparently feels he''s earned some time off. He''s taken an indefinite leave from his new team, citing personal reasons. Club management knew taking on the rainbow-haired Rodman was a gamble, that the NBA rebound wizard marches to his own drummer. Says Lakers head coach Kurt Rambis, "It''s just something we''re going to have to deal with." [Wired News] Desperate Times -- A former Russian army colonel walked into a branch of Rossiisky Kredit in downtown Moscow Friday, brandished a rifle, grabbed a hostage, and demanded money. From his own account, that is. Turns out the ex-colonel wasn''t a whacko at all, but merely another poor Russian mired in his country''s financial morass. Rossiisky Kredit is one of many Russian banks that blocked depositors'' access to certain accounts after last August''s financial crisis. The man''s wife needed surgery, and he couldn''t retrieve the money to pay for it. He released his hostage and surrendered after being promised funds from his account. Police quickly arrested him. [Wired News] Development Canned -- Even though John Steinbeck wouldn''t recognize the place anymore, the city council in Monterey, California decided to save what little remains of the original spirit of Cannery Row by voting down a major development there. The US$50 million plan would have plunked down a complex of ocean-view condos, restaurants, and shops into the heart of what was once a bustling canning industry, immortalized in Steinbeck''s novel Cannery Row. A small victory, perhaps, for those who prefer their historical places to resemble something other than a shopping mall. [Wired News] DiMaggio ''Grave'' -- When Joe DiMaggio walked out of a Florida hospital on his own last week, it appeared that a miracle had occurred. But like most miracles, this one turned out to be illusory. DiMaggio, 84, was released because the hospital could do nothing else for him. He has lung cancer, but doctors say he''s too weak to undergo chemotherapy. So it appears that time has nearly run out for one of America''s last genuine heroes. In fact, Dateline NBC thought it had: It reported late Sunday that DiMaggio had died, then retracted the report 20 minutes later. [Wired News] Dial Tone -- After more than a century on hold, residents of Kennedy Meadows, California, have finally placed their first telephone calls. It was a big event for the Tulare County community: Folks gathered at Grumpy Bear''s Tavern over the weekend to watch Jan Gant dial the first number and hear her leave a message when she reached an answering machine. Five residents are connected to the new phone system, which comes 123 years after the invention of the telephone. [Wired News] Ding-a-Ling -- Mental health hospitals have more to worry about than just monitoring their patients'' moods and medications; they should also be keeping tabs on their employees'' phone use. A secretary in the Los Angeles County Mental Health department pleaded guilty Thursday to making 2,600 county-billed phone calls to a "Psychic Hotline," totaling US$118,000 in charges, prosecutors said. Cheryl Burnham pleaded guilty to one count of grand theft in Los Angeles Superior Court. Deputy District Attorney Robert Dver said Burnham will be sentenced to 30 days in jail, ordered to pay restitution, and placed on five years'' probation. Burnham made most of her calls on nights and weekends, using a computer to bypass a county block on such calls. [Wired News] Diplomatic Mess -- Was Secretary of State Madeleine Albright''s father an art thief? According to a story in the Times of London, Albright''s father, Czech diplomat Josef Korbel, stole paintings worth millions of dollars, along with antique furniture and silver, from the house of an ethnic German who left Prague as World War II drew to a close. Descendants of Karl Nebrich appear ready to sue Albright''s family for the return of the artwork, which may have been smuggled out of Czechoslovakia in a diplomatic pouch. The paintings are by European masters, and some date from the 16th century. An Albright family attorney denies that the paintings were obtained illegally. [Wired News] Diplomatic Precautions -- Like antelopes downwind from a prowling leopard, the United States and Great Britain are bolting for safety. Both nations have shuttered several embassies or diplomatic missions in Africa for the weekend after receiving information leading them to believe that a terrorist attack may be imminent, the International Herald Tribune reported. The United States closed six embassies -- in Gambia, Togo, Madagascar, Liberia, Namibia, and Senegal -- while the British shut down missions in Gambia, Madagascar, Namibia, and Senegal. A US State Department spokesman said a decision would be made over the weekend whether to reopen the embassies on Monday. The British, meanwhile, declined to say when their facilities might reopen. [Wired News] Disney''s Secret Porn URL? -- Who owns the domain name "mybigstiffy.com?" Would you believe Disney? A faxed statement from Disney''s Touchstone Pictures said Buena Vista Pictures Marketing -- Disney''s film distribution arm -- says that Walt Disney registered the name "at the request of one of our filmmakers" that worked on a PG-13 rated movie Mafia. "It referred to a joke in the end credits" of the movie, said the spokesperson, who asked not to be identified. But don''t look for Walt''s Stiffy Site anytime soon. "After careful review, the name was deemed inappropriate and the link to the ''Mafia'' Web site has been discontinued." [Wired News] Ditto, Baby! -- Dr. Evil''s got nothing on Madeline Albright. The US Secretary of State took a page from the Austin Powers villain''s playbook this week, cloning herself to perform for the Association of Southeast Asian Nations conference while she jetted off to the Balkans. In a videotaped address preceding the typically zany dinner skit, the original Albright introduced Madeline II -- actually Assistant Secretary of Defense Kurt Campbell in drag -- as melding "the modesty of [ex-Secretary of State] Henry Kissinger with the shyness of Madonna." In a parting jab, sung to the tune of "Home on the Range," Not-So-Mini-Madeline sang, "And to old North Korea/We really don''t fear ya/''Cause your missile is called the No Dong." [Wired News] Dogfight -- More shooting in Iraq, this time between US and Iraqi warplanes. Four US jets from the carrier USS Carl Vinson fired missiles at Iraqi planes, defying the so-called no-fly zone in southern Iraq. No planes were hit, but one Iraqi jet may have crashed after running out of fuel. It marked the first time since the Gulf War in 1993 that the two sides have engaged in aerial combat. [Wired News] Dogged Research -- We knew those Harvard docs were smart cookies, but who could have anticipated this? Now they''re growing fully functional dog bladders using tissue engineering and can report that they''re still working a year after being implanted in subject animals. That''s good news for people with elderly dogs, of course, but it may also be a harbinger of better days ahead for the estimated 400 million people worldwide who suffer from bladder disease. The study was published in the current issue of Nature Biotechnology. [Wired News] Don''t Lose Heart -- Mom always threatened dire consequences if you flunked out of high school. But death? Maybe, according a study by the American Medical Association. Researchers found an increased risk of congestive heart failure in people who, for one reason or another, failed to complete high school. While the education level itself was not seen as a factor, the poor socio-economic conditions often associated with a substandard education are. High blood pressure, excessive weight, smoking, and physical inactivity are all contributors to congestive heart failure, the study said, and all are associated with people on the lower rungs of the education ladder. [Wired News] Down the Hatch -- "Gimme a cuppa joe. Black." If you utter those words every morning down at the local Waffle House, you''ll be making a wise health choice, a new study declares. After 10 years, researchers at Harvard have determined that two cups of coffee a day helps to reduce the risk of gallstone disease in men by up to 40 percent. Drink four and the incidence of disease is cut in half. Researchers are pretty sure that women, who are at greater risk of contracting gallstone disease than men, will benefit by drinking coffee, too. But that''s only an educated guess. None of the 46,008 subjects participating in the project were women. [Wired News] Dubious Distinction -- Toyota and Honda make popular cars. According to CCC Information Services, they''re really popular -- with car thieves. For the first time ever, the two Japanese carmakers swept the board, holding all 10 spots on the thieves'' Top 10 list. The 1989 Toyota Camry tops the list (as it did last year), followed by the 1988 and 1990 Camrys. Five of the next seven spots are held by Honda Accords of different vintages. No American cars made the top 10, and only four models -- two Fords and two Chevys -- were in the top 25. Most stolen cars are stripped for their parts. The good news: Car theft dropped 22 percent last year, CCC reported. [Wired News] Dumb Ass -- You''re 21 years old and you''re on your way back into Cape Town after spending Tuesday visiting a nearby South African town renowned for its wine. You''re in the back of the bus, happy as a potted plant, when you suddenly get the urge to drop your pants and moon the passing motorists. It''s a great idea, until you press your flesh a little too tightly against the bus window -- which turns out to be an emergency exit. Next thing you know, your raw butt is bouncing along the highway, cars are swerving around you, emergency lights are flashing, sirens are blaring, and you''re in the hospital -- in stable condition, totally mortified, but lucid enough not to give out your name. You, young man, are an idiot. [Wired News] Dumb and Dumber -- A media watchdog group is railing against the poor quality of prime-time television again, claiming that despite a voluntary ratings system in place to warn parents about objectionable content, shows contain more sex, violence, and crude language than ever. Of course, the group studied shows aired during TV''s sweeps period, when programming is even more inane and profane than usual ... if that''s possible. But maybe the question to ask is why is there more sex, violence, and crude language on TV? Two possible answers come to mind: 1) The average American viewer laps it up with a spoon, and 2) Hollywood is bereft of real writing talent, so why bother with an intelligent story? Either possibility seems plausible. [Wired News] Dutch Treat? -- The Dutch have never been renowned for their cuisine, and now maybe we know why. The European Commission is investigating a report that treated sewage sludge has been added to animal feed there, where it is presumably gobbled up by livestock that eventually finds its way onto dinner plates in Amsterdam, Utrecht, and other locales around the Zuider Zee. If that weren''t bad enough, the EC believes the use of sludge may not be limited to the Netherlands; investigators will soon be on their way to neighboring Germany as well as other European nations to look into similar allegations. [Wired News] Early Withdrawal -- It''s well known that Pancho Villa, the famous bandit who led a revolution in Mexico early in this century, relied on robbery to fund his army. It''s also known that Villa''s biggest heist came on 9 April 1913, when he and his men waylaid a train in northern Mexico and made off with 122 silver bars worth about $2.6 million in today''s dollars. The mystery is how Villa managed to exchange the bars for the hard cash needed to pay his men and buy arms. Turns out the old rapscallion had a banker: Wells Fargo. Letters and memos obtained by the Bancroft Library prove that the bank''s Mexican subsidiary acted as an intermediary between Villa and the owners of the silver, who agreed to pay him for the return of the bars. Wells Fargo''s reaction, 86 years later? Yeah? So what? [Wired News] Easy Go, Easy Come -- When Jimmy Johnson said he was resigning as head coach of the Miami Dolphins Wednesday, he sounded like another burnout case. His father applauded the decision and said his son intended to lie low for awhile and work on his house in the Florida Keys. Well, forget it. Johnson''s retirement lasted just long enough for Dolphins officials to talk him out of it and he''ll be back on the sidelines next season. But he''ll have some help: Miami also hired Dave Wannstedt, sacked recently by the Chicago Bears, to be the assistant head coach. [Wired News] Eat Your Greens -- You wanna be smarter? You wanna evolve along with all the other pre-humans and double your body size in a few million years? Well, build a fire, then cook and eat your vegetables. Researchers writing in the journal Current Anthropology conclude that it was vegetables, rather than meat, that gave the major boost to human evolution. Over the eons, our ancestors gradually evolved a more refined palate, one that eschewed seeds and nuts and raw meat in favor of a healthier diet centering around vegetables. The result was Homo erectus, a taller, heavier hominid with a better brain. Now we''ve all become Homo sapiens, although there are certain bowling alleys where the odd Homo erectus still turns up. [Wired News] English Spoken Here -- Life Is Beautiful, written by Robert Begnini, who also directed and starred in it, tells the tale of an Italian father who tries to shield his son from the horrors of the Holocaust by turning concentration camp life into a game. It won the Oscar for best foreign film, while capturing a meager 13 percent of the American moviegoing public. Miramax thinks it knows why: It was subtitled, a turnoff for many American viewers. So the company is preparing to re-release the film, dubbed in English, betting against the possibility that the real reason Life Is Beautiful did so poorly is that Americans prefer idiotic action films to real filmmaking and real storytelling. Good luck. [Wired News] Enshrined -- Baseball writers on Tuesday sent three greats to the the game''s Hall of Fame: Ageless fireballer Nolan Ryan; sweet-stroking third baseman George Brett; and Robin Yount, who gained stardom despite spending his entire 20-year career in obscurity (Milwaukee). No player has ever been ticketed to Cooperstown on a unanimous vote, but Ryan came close, gaining a 98.79 percent endorsement, second all-time to Tom Seaver''s 98.84 in 1992. [Wired News] Ex-Cowboy Dies -- Mark Tuinei, who played on a Dallas Cowboys team that won three Super Bowls in the early ''90s, died early Thursday after being found unconscious in his car. He was 39. Investigators said they found no evidence of foul play, drugs, or alcohol. Tuinei, a 6-foot-5, 320-pound left tackle, played 15 seasons with the Cowboys, blocking for quarterback Troy Aikman and opening holes for running back Emmitt Smith. He and his wife, Pono, were getting ready to return to their native Hawaii, where Tuinei had taken a job as offensive line coach at his old high school, Punahou, in Honolulu. [Wired News] Exits -- In Russia, President Boris Yeltsin sacked his prime minister, Yevgeny Primakov, leading to fears that an internal crisis will prevent the Russians from helping broker a settlement in the Balkans. Yeltsin said Primakov was paying the price for failing to stabilize the economy, but the move is widely seen as a retaliatory one. Yeltsin is facing an impeachment hearing and Primakov is cozy with many of his opponents. Meanwhile, in the United States, Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin is resigning after more than six years in the Clinton administration. His departure, rumored for weeks, has no controversial aspects. Rubin simply wanted out. [Wired News] Falcons vs. Broncos -- Everyone expected the Denver Broncos to be in Super Bowl XXXIII, and so they will. Anyone who claims to have picked the Atlanta Falcons back in September is a liar. But thanks in part to Gary Anderson''s first missed field goal all season, it will be the Falcons, and not the Minnesota Vikings, representing the NFC in Miami. Atlanta''s come-from-behind, 30-27 win at Minnesota Sunday is the culmination of a remarkable turnaround: Since beginning last season 1-7, the Falcons have gone 21-4. If you happen to be a Falcon diehard who bet 100 bucks on your club to reach the Super Bowl before the season started, you''re buying a round for the house today. Atlanta was 100-1 to make it to Miami. The early line on Super Bowl XXXIII: Denver by 7. [Wired News] False Advertising -- The annual Harlan Page Hubbard marketing awards were doled out Thursday and, as usual, none of the 10 winners bothered showing up to claim their statuettes. This year''s recipients included the automaker Saturn and the beermaker Miller. Saturn won for promoting a three-door coupe showing a child getting into the car using the specially designed third door on the driver''s side. (That would be the street side, where all the traffic is.) Miller was cited for its ad showing a bunch of beer drinkers frolicking with a puppy, proclaiming its product to be "Man''s other best friend." The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence was moved to ask whether beer is really a friend to America''s estimated 8 million alcoholics. The Harlan awards, incidentally, recognize the most misleading, unfair, and irresponsible ad campaigns of the year. [Wired News] Fast Times in the Northeast -- The Northeast is getting a little smaller, thanks to Amtrak and one of those fast trains Americans tend to associate with the Europeans and the Japanese. Starting in October, the Amtrak Acela will begin service between Washington and Boston, traveling at a top speed of 150 mph. This is expected to cut 90 minutes off the trip between New York and Boston, which takes four-and-a-half hours on a regular train. The train will have some nice touches for business travelers, including outlets for computers and larger business-class seats, with a skosh more room. The project costs US$2 billion, but if it gets some cars off of I-95, it''s money well spent. [Wired News] Fat Chance -- Fiji was an island paradise until 1995. That''s when the South Pacific nation was introduced to television, and it''s been downhill ever since. According to ABC.com, it used to be a compliment when a friend in Suva noticed you''d put on weight. Now -- with the advent of TV and all those skinny blonde models and imported American beauty values -- Fijians are fretting about their fat. While ABC''s report said that no studies are conclusive, there is this stark reality: Before TV got there, Fijians had a good self-image. Now they think they''re fat. Doesn''t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, does it? [Wired News] FedEx Flunks Out -- Thanks to a fumble by Federal Express, 675 high school students in southern California will have to retake their college entrance exams and, boy, are they happy about it. Seems that the courier picked up the SATs after testing was completed in early June, but somehow managed to lose them between LA and the New Jersey offices of the Educational Testing Service, where the exams are scored. Since you can''t go to college without taking the SAT, the kids will have to do it all over again. And they''ll want to do well, so they can go to a good college ... and not ending up in some dead end job, like delivering packages. [Wired News] Fewer Like It Hot -- No wonder they''re tired and cranky. Only 45 percent of the coffee-drinking public had a regular cup of joe yesterday. That''s the lowest level in the 50 years that the National Coffee Association has been keeping track of coffee drinking trends. The high was in 1962, when 70 percent of survey participants reported drinking "regular" coffee, which includes regular, instant, and decaf coffee. The survey also shows that Americans are fussier about the coffee they drink. Nearly 5 percent of the nation''s coffee drinkers are ordering espresso, cafe au lait, and double decaf soy milk lattes. [Wired News] Filipino Executed -- A 38-year-old house painter convicted of raping his 10-year-old stepdaughter became the first person to be executed in the Philippines since 1976 when he went to his death Friday in a prison outside Manila. Leo Echegaray, who steadfastly maintained his innocence since being convicted in 1994, died by lethal injection. The Philippines abolished the death penalty in 1987 but concern over a rise in violent crime led to its restoration in 1994. Philippine President Joseph Estrada, a strong advocate of capital punishment, said Echegaray''s death would serve as a warning that the government means business. [Wired News] First Homebuyers -- Their lease on the White House set to expire in 2001, the first family is in the market for a new home. President Clinton, his wife, daughter, and mother-in-law spent Sunday touring multimillion dollar properties in Westchester County, New York. Among the prospects: a US$2.3 million estate on four acres in Rye Brook and a seven-bedroom colonial in Edgemont, priced at $1.7 million. The top three criteria, as any real estate agent knows, are location, location, and location. Hillary Clinton has to establish New York residency if she''s going to campaign for the US Senate. [Wired News] Fish Story -- Are marketing people weird? You decide: Pepperidge Farm, which makes the fish-shaped snack cracker called Goldfish, took umbrage when competitor Nabisco said it would market a cracker based on the cartoon show Catdog. The cracker, shaped like a fish, was said to represent Catdog''s "favorite snack." Pepperidge Farm threatened to sue but Nabisco got in first, filing suit to get the court to rule that a fish shape is generic and can''t be trademarked. Two fish in court, duking it out with legal sharks behind them. [Wired News] Fleeing Floyd -- Residents along 400 miles of coastline -- from Miami to New Brunswick, Georgia -- are bracing for the onslaught of Hurricane Floyd, which is moving westward across the Atlantic and expected to make landfall sometime Wednesday. Floyd, currently packing winds of up to 155 mph, is on the verge of being declared a Category 5 hurricane, meaning that it is capable of inflicting catastrophic damage. Tens of thousands of people are being evacuated inland from the Florida coast and NASA is considering shutting down the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral. Forecasters expect Floyd to pack a bigger wallop than Hurricane Andrew did in 1992, when scores of people were killed, 160,000 were left homeless, and the damage was estimated at US$25 billion. [Wired News] Flight of Fancy -- Whether the guy was a terrorist, a prankster, or just some twit late for his flight, he certainly managed to do a number on United Airlines at Chicago''s O''Hare International Airport Thursday. By suddenly bolting past a security checkpoint and vanishing into a crowd, he eluded the cops, who eventually gave up and shut down United''s terminal as a precaution, canceling 131 flights and stranding more than 6,000 passengers. Things had still not returned to normal Friday morning, and airline officials said they expect confusion to reign until at least the afternoon. Meanwhile, the mystery streaker remains at large, leaving us with the disturbing image of a dozen donut-gorged cops sweating profusely as they try to catch the guy. The halt in pursuit of the lame, if you will. [Wired News] Flight of Fancy? -- Thanks to Europeans who liked to stick its tail feathers in their hats, the Huia bird of New Zealand has been extinct since the 1920s. Now, there''s talk of reviving the species by cloning DNA taken from preserved specimens, just like scientists did with dinosaurs in Michael Crichton''s science-fiction thriller, Jurassic Park. If the Huia ever reappears -- and there''s a passionate ethical debate raging over the possibility -- scientists say that it won''t be anytime soon. So all you milliners along the Rue St. Honore can just cool your jets. [Wired News] Flipper Exposed -- From the time of Aristotle, humans have looked to the dolphin as a peaceful and benevolent guardian of the sea. But that perpetual grin of the beloved marine mammal belies a seamy underbelly of disturbing behavior. Scientists have followed a bloody trail of clues to find that dolphins are cold-blooded killers, stabbing porpoises to death by the hundreds and smashing the skulls of their own offspring. What''s worse, the killings aren''t motivated by a need for food (most animal killers eat their prey) but by apparently murderous urges. Looks like they''re more human than we ever imagined. [Wired News] For the Record -- With President Clinton''s acquittal a foregone conclusion, you''d think the Senate would have the decency to keep it brief. But oh, no.... There will be no final impeachment vote on Thursday, as many had hoped, because the windbags in the Senate are dragging things out. Senators, it seems, have their eyes firmly fixed on their place in the history books: One freshman senator, a former congressman, called the session "one of the finer debates I have heard in 18 years in the House." Another described it as a "rewarding" experience. With everyone seemingly intent on coming off sounding like Daniel Webster, the vote is not expected until Friday. Time will tell. [Wired News] Foul Ball -- That ridiculous disruption in the baseball season known as interleague play begins this weekend, a marketing gimmick that brings National and American League teams together during the regular season under the pretext of encouraging geographical rivalries. This is Year Three of interleague play, but the players are beginning to grumble. "It''s kind of weird," says Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Shawn Green. "We play Montreal six times and some American League teams only seven or eight games." If you''re in third place, it''s hard to pass the two teams ahead of you when you only see them seven or eight times all year. And with so few games, it''s hard to foster rivalries of any kind. Heck of a way to run the national pastime, Bud. [Wired News] French Avalanche -- Two avalanches hit the town of Le Tour in the French Alps Tuesday, burying 11 chalets and raising fears that scores of people may have been trapped inside. Residents of Le Tour, near the popular ski resort of Chamonix, helped police and sensor-equipped rescue workers search for survivors. According to an Associated Press report, the avalanches occurred in mid-afternoon, only minutes apart. Heavy snows have caused problems in Europe since Friday: Tourists are reported snowbound in the Tirol region and emergency supplies have had to be flown into areas cut off in parts of Austria. [Wired News] French Minister Dies -- A week after suffering a heart attack during a live television broadcast of a French National Assembly debate, veteran MP Michel Crepeau died Tuesday in a Paris hospital. The assembly observed a minute of silence for Crepeau, 68, the head of the center-left Radical Left Party. President Jacques Chirac hailed him as a figure of French public life and Prime Minister Lionel Jospin said, "I have lost a friend." [Wired News] From East to West -- Three former stalwarts of the once formidable Warsaw Pact -- Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic -- joined NATO Friday, extending democratic hegemony in Europe up to the borders of Russia itself. Besides swelling the ranks of NATO to 19 member states, Friday''s ceremony marks the first time that former Soviet bloc nations have joined the organization, founded in 1949 as a bulwark against communism. (Well, East Germany went in, too, but as part of a unified Germany.) While champagne glasses are clinking in the West, the Russians are not pleased. "The enlargement of the North Atlantic alliance will not promote a strengthening of trust and stability in international relations," the Russian Foreign Ministry said in a statement. "On the contrary, it could lead to the appearance of new dividing lines. We do not want this to happen because it is not in the interests of the peoples of our continent." [Wired News] Frozen in Time -- Three 500-year-old mummies discovered by archeologists in the high Andes Mountains are so well preserved that you get the feeling you could revive them with jumper cables. Although no cause of death was apparent, the trio -- all children (two girls and a boy) -- appear to have been the victims of a sacrificial ritual, based on evidence buried with them. But what astounded the archeologists was the condition of their internal organs: Intact and looking as if death occurred only yesterday. There was also evidence of blood found in the hearts and lungs of each. If the children were sacrificed 500 years ago, it would have been right around the time the conquistadors vanquished the Incas. [Wired News] Funny Money -- To the battleship, cannon, dog, horse and rider, iron, shoe, thimble, top hat, wheelbarrow, and race car, you can add a sack of money. Monopoly -- the venerable board game born during the Depression that teaches Americans to suckle at the breast of capitalism -- added its 11th game piece, and first in 47 years this week. "It was the release of the sack of money that sent the Dow over 10,000," joked Glenn Kilbride, Hasbro Games vice president, at a news conference Tuesday at the Museum of American Financial History near Wall Street. "We like to think we played a small part." Whether they did or not, the sack of money seems an apt metaphor for America''s current financial climate. It was chosen in a public vote, beating out a biplane and a piggybank. [Wired News] Geezer Squeezer -- The 82-year-old actor who made a career out of warning supermarket shoppers "Please don''t squeeze the Charmin" is making a comeback as Mr. Whipple. In 1978, television viewers ranked bathroom-tissue pitchman Dick Wilson as the third best-known American, behind former President Nixon and the Reverend Billy Graham. And why not? Mr. Whipple appeared for over 20 years in more than 500 commercials. [Wired News] Go, Canada -- Canadians have it better than people anywhere else in the world. That''s according to a new United Nations survey of the best places to live on earth based on the quality of health care, life expectancy, education, income, and gender equality. Norway ranked second, followed by the United States, Japan, and Belgium. The five worst nations of the 174 countries surveyed? Sierra Leone ranked last, followed by Niger, Ethiopia, Burkina Faso, and Burundi. [Wired News] Good Fella -- There is still the formality of a runoff election, but Oscar Goodman isn''t terribly concerned. He''s going to be the next mayor of Las Vegas, and that''s all there is to it. Goodman, who narrowly missed winning the job outright from a field of nine candidates, told supporters Tuesday night that "the result of this election is a foregone conclusion. I will be your next mayor." If that sounds a little brash, consider that Goodman, an attorney, made his reputation defending mob figures like Meyer Lansky and Tony "The Ant" Spilotro. Martin Scorsese liked Goodman enough to cast him as himself in the movie Casino. Brash? Certainly, but in a city like Vegas, brash just might fit the bill. [Wired News] Gore Tosses Hat in Ring -- Saying that he will deal with policy, not platitudes, in his campaign, Vice President Al Gore formally announced his candidacy for the top job Wednesday at a press conference in Carthage, Tennessee. Gore, saying he''s been anxious to get the ball rolling for some time now, denied that the fast start by Republican contender George W. Bush had anything to do with the timing of his announcement. While only Bill Bradley stands between Gore and the Democratic nomination, Bush -- expected to easily win the GOP bid -- presents a formidable challenge. Some polls give Bush a 16 percentage-point lead over Gore in their projected head-to-head match-up. On the other hand, there are also 17 months until the presidential election. [Wired News] Government Seeks Strippers -- Stuart, a town on the Florida coast, faces such a critical exotic dancer shortage that it wants to import overseas ta